Episode 71

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Episode 71
Special Guests: Aubrey Sitterson
Writing Prompt: Dungeon Masters and Wrestling
Episode Link: Episode 71

This is the seventy first episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are dungeon masters and wrestling. This is the final regular episode of fantasy fiction. This week, Josh went on vacation in Connecticut and the pope was in Philly. Aubrey watched a lot of wrestling, including a Japanese double pay per view. Dom celebrated his birthday by playing mini golf and hitting some dingers at the batting cage, then got a massage.

Josh's Story

Title: Death Eagle IV: The Prequel Years

In one of the many struggling dungeons in Daranos, the Death Eagle Catacombs, dungeon master Death Eagle has called a brainstorming session to come up with an idea to draw in more adventurers. In attendance are skelemen, gelatinous cubes, ghosts, mimics, living statues, and a weed-smoke breathing dragon, Dankzilla. After several ideas, Dankzilla suggests a backyard wrestling match, which leads to a slow clap, followed by full on applause, followed by an orgy. Later, tens of adventurers show up to participate in/watch the wrestling match. Some of the adventurers are Sloppy Joe (aka the cook crook), famous high elf flier Eldrin the elf-boy Mankowitz, and female dwarf berserker Brunkillda. In the first match, larry the hug-fighting skeleton takes on the cook crook by hugging him, which the cook crook really needs because his wife left him. Brunkillda bursts into the ring wielding a broken gravestone, killing both fighters. Eldrin mounts a turnbuckle to attempt the "flying elfbow", but Brunkillda intercepts him in mid air with a jump kick, breaking Eldrin's diamond teeth. She then challenges Death Eagle, who then enters the ring and offers Brunkillda a job as manager and partner in the dungeon. She accepts, shaking Death Eagle's hand, then suddenly kicks him in the face, causing loot to pour out of his robe. The monsters suddenly start making out again while Brunkillda gathers up the treasure in the robe and walks off into the sunset. In a post credits scene, two skelemen wearing Brunkillda and Cook Crook merch try to remember why they put on the wrestling match in the first place, eventually deciding to make out again.

Aubrey's Story

Title: Fuck You People

Hundreds of years ago, before Orcspire and Daranos rose to prominence, Megathuul still stands above the depths that would eventually swallow it (see Episode 32). A dungeon master, Joe, lived in Megathuul his whole life, using his megatool to upkeep the underground factories below Poundtown - a job description which includes keeping his slaves in line. He doesn't like this part of his job, but being from the rough neighborhood of "Fuck You", he didn't have many career options. While toiling at his day job, Joe is also working on his one man play "Fuck You People", but he finds less and less time to do so because of adventurers in the dungeons. To stop the adventurers once and for all, he trains hard in the ancient art of wrestling: studying techniques, sparring with his monster co-workers, and using his withered slaves as free weights. When he finally feels ready, he issues a challenge to the Adventurer's League: if a champion of their choosing can beat him in a wrestling match then they will be granted unfettered access to the dungeon, but if Joe wins then all adventurers will be barred from the dungeon forever. In an underground stadium packed with adventurers, monsters, and slaves, Joe faces off against the league's champion - Steven, the half-giant barbarian. Joe is able to briefly pin Steven until he rages, breaking free and knocking Joe into the ref. The ref is somehow knocked unconscious, so Joe turns to try to rouse him, but Steven takes advantage of the situation and kicks Joe to the ground while another adventurer throws Steven his great ax. Joe begins to recite "Fuck You People", distracting Steven and causing him to laugh. The thunderous sound of the barbarian's laughter awakens the referee, and so Joe launches himself at Steven, pinning him and winning the match. Joe's monster friends lift him up and parade him through the dungeon in celebration, and Joe pulls out a spliff and smokes it.

Dom's Story

Title: Dungeon Of The Bone King

On a pitch black fall evening, everyone had gone to bed except Lady Saberblood, who has broken into the dungeon of a lich for a thievery plot. This is the dungeon of Stinklich the bone king, and Saberblood has been in the dungeon for 10 days already. On day two, Muscles Bear got separated from Saberblood when he fell for a trap of honey wheat pretzels under a box held up by a stick, which lead to Saberblood falling through a trap door and landing in a cell. A tiny mouse named Jeremy, aka Jelly, helped her break free from her prison. She slits a skeleton guard's throat then runs into a room full of treasure, where Jelly presses a tiny, pebble shaped switch, revealing Stinklich's black chest. Lady Saberblood gives what appears to be a tiny twig to Jelly before he skitters off, but it is actually a powerful magic wand - one of the seven moon mouse artifacts of master swiss - but that's a tiny story for another tiny time. Saberblood approaches the black chest, but triggers another trap, summoning a temple guard who summons a bunch of other monsters. The monsters bring Saberblood to Stinklich, who sends her to fight in the arena. She first faces Fran, the only orc bad enough to be called Fran and for it not to be an issue. She baseball slide kicks Fran and kills him, then continues to beat his corpse. Refs intervene to try to pull her away, but she beats them up to, to the delight of the crowd. Stinklich then calls for "the beast" to be brought in, which is Muscles Bear wearing spiked football pads, one of the beer can party helmets, and headphones piping him full of hype jams. It seems like they will be forced to fight, but Muscles Bear stops short of Saberblood and begins licking her shoes, to Stinklich's frustration. An onslaught of tag team duos enter the arena to fight the reunited pair, but the story ends before the fighting starts.