Episode 70

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Episode 70
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Ships and Mummies
Episode Link: Episode 70

This is the seventieth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are ships and mummies. This week, Josh got out of jury duty, and Dom was in PA to shoot an unrevealed project with the Continue? gang (spooky squad). Dom also listened to This American Life and played Link's Awakening DX, and the boys plug their friend's etsy shop: nerdprops.

Josh's Story

Title: Pirates of Whitebeard: Return to Mummy Island

A ghost pirate ship under the command of Captain Whitebeard comes upon rough seas just as the pirate in the crow's nest - a ghost with two eye patches - somehow spots land. The pirates make for the island hoping to find some treasure. The ship approaches as thousands of mummies rise from the sand, causing the earth to shake. The mummies thump their weapons against their chests and scream what are probably racial slurs at the ghost ship, then they wade into the water, board the ship, and begin killing the ghost pirates aboard. The crow's nest pirate and captain whitebeard narrowly escape in a lifeboat, while behind them the mummies drink the pirates' rum, put on pirate hats, and sword fight with swords (instead of their dicks). The boat suddenly explodes when Whitebeard and the crow's nest pirate get to shore, where another mummy horde is waiting to capture them and bring them before their queen. When they get to the mummy queen's throne room she reveals that Whitebeard is her husband and that she has already spent all the treasure he seeks. Whitebeard grabs the queen's mind control scepter and flees the throne with crow's nest pirate, leading him to a secret chute. The two ghosts find themselves in an underground cove with a dock and a second ship. After boarding the ship, the cave ceiling opens and the ship deploys wings and flies away. The airship is pursued by hang-gliding battle mummies with wizards strapped to them, but crow's nest pirate is able to kill them all using a harpoon cannon.

Dom's Story

Title: Back in the Saddle

Twilight descends on the castle of Count Encrusted Gemini as he attempts to fuck some golden crystals that his monster minion/friends have brought to him. Since monster's only value treasure as a whole, they can't differentiate between different types. The frustrated Count has flashbacks to his childhood: a young Encrusted loves his beagle petey, but his father tells him to love gold to replace his mother. Later over dinner, encrusted's father demands that petey be gold plated, to Encrusted's horror. Finally, Encrusted remembers killing his father by maliciously going through with his insane father's wish to dip himself in a cauldron of molten gold. Elsewhere in the castle, Mildew is explaining to a disgruntled group of skeletons that they will have to start throwing their own bones, when a ghoul runs up. The ghoul announces that he let a scary looking dwarf on a woodencycle in through the front gate, and Mildew realizes that this must be Dagger Diginface coming for the Count. Mildew hobbles away to warn the Count, only to find Dagger kicking ass in a hallway. After the fight, Dagger restarts his woodencycle, runs Mildew over, and finally ghost rides the cycle into the door of Count Encrusted's chambers. Dagger slowly approaches the cornered Count, but a buff mummy with a sword stands in the way. The mummy explains that he is the ghost who taught the ghost of Sir Encrusted to sword fight, in exchange for being taught yo-yo tricks to get girlfriends. Dagger throws stakes at the mummy, but he deflexes them with his muscles. Dagger then grabs a whip from the wall - labeled as "the first gold whip used for sex" - and uses it to strike the mummy, ripping open his wraps. The Count used the mummy's distraction to escape, but multiple monsters try to hang out with him as he flees. Dagger is now hot on his trail, whipping down all of the skeletons in his path as he and the count race towards the docks. Suddenly, a decrepit ship arrives at the docks, manned by ghost pirates looking to take up Count Encrusted's blanket offer of friendship for monsters. The Count quickly promises friendship in return for boarding the ship and sailing away, narrowly escaping Dagger. In a post-credits scene, while he watches the ghost ship disappear into the fog, Dagger swears to devote the rest of his life to hunting down Count Encrusted.