Episode 69

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Episode 69
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Daggers and High Elves
Episode Link: Episode 69

This is the sixty ninth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are daggers and high elves. This episode marks the two year anniversery of the podcast. This week, Josh started watching the show Ballers and discusses how terrible it is - even more shameless than entourage. He also watched Star Trek V. Dom watched Kiki's Delivery Service and played Splatoon with Chad, he also plugs Goosebuds.

Josh's Story

Title: Summer of 6969

In the sky kingdom of Cloudtopia lives an ancient, mysterious elves charged with the spirit realm and keeping shit in balance. High Templar Dankthar is smoking some wizard weed when another member of his order announces that it is time to select a mortal champion of Daranos to fight for the fate of the spirit world in a tournament. Such a tournament must be held every 69 episodes against the minions of the dark ones to determine control of the spirit realm. The sacred spinning wheel of randomness selects Garcon, the cop killa as the mortal champion, and he is pulled through a golden portal (AKA space butthole) to Cloudtopia. Garcon initially shirks his responsibility, but eventually accepts after a floating shadow skull threatens Garcon's family. Garcon's first opponent in the tournament is a blindfolded kung fu skeleman. The skeleman throws his leg at Garcon, which shoots out a heatseeking missile. The leg connects and nearly knocks Garcon unconscious, leading to a flashback glimpse of Garcon's wise old master. Recovering, Garcon is able to counter by granting sight to the skeleman with mouse magic. Seeing his reflection in a mirror, the skeleman tries to make out with himself and is disqualified. The second opponent is Buffcat, who is wearing what appear to be Mr. T's gold chains. Buffcat leaps at an unprepared Garcon and uppercuts him into space, which causes a second flashback, in which it is revealed that Garcon's master was his father all along. Garcon recovers again and falls back to Daranos, kicking Buffcat upon re-entry. Buffcat withstands the blow, and begins savagely beating Garcon, who desperately uses his mouse magic to pull an enchanted dagger off the wall (seriously, the place is lousy with magic daggers). Garcon regretfully stabs upwards into Buffcat's chest, defeating him. The skull lord implodes in frustration, and Buffcat wakes up, revealing that Garcon had only stabbed the mind control Mr. T chain that he had been wearing. We then see Queen Axwound and the skull lord discussing the state of their plans. The skull lord awkwardly tries to kiss Axwound, who rebuffs his advances before she makes out with the kung fu skeleman.

Dom's Story

Title: Daggerheart

On another hot, humid evening in the village of Frient (friend + ent), Dagger Diginface drinks alone in the tavern. Dagger is mourning his former partner, Stinky the Orc, and blames himself for dealing with Sir Encrusted Gemini despite Stinky's apprehension. Dagger overhears an Elf freaking out about the rumors of Sir Encrusted plan to return as a Dracula, and he smashes his mug in anger. Dagger quickly leaves the tavern and heads to a cabin in the woods, where he meets the high elf Finn Fowler. Finn agrees to give Dagger an enchanted lightning stake to help him kill the reanimated Sir Encrusted, but tells Dagger he will need to train. A training montage begins, during which songbug sings a song about his dick growing wiser and longer. After finishing his training, Dagger jumps on Finn's woodencycle, and after a brief discussion about whether it is okay for Dagger to drive since he had been drinking earlier that night, Dagger declares that he doesn't care anymore and rides off. Songbug rides with him and sings a song about Dagger's imminent revenge. The story now shifts to Dale Windbeam and Mesmereld as they prepare the last steps of the Dracula recipe, and Dale notes that the stress of his ordeal has begun affecting him physically. A mushroom cloud erupts from the cauldron as the recipe is completed, shooting up over the city of Telandriel, forming storm clouds. As the smoke clears, the reanimated Count Encrusted Gemini stands, and begins flexing at his lack of a reflection in a nearby mirror. Dale realizes that he has become the count's disgusting servant, and Encrusted renames him Mildew. Mildew informs the count that all of his other former guards are too spooked to come work for him again, so the count instructs him to go to the graveyard and recruit skeletons and monsters. Many creatures respond to the count's call, because as it turns out, all any monster really wants is a friend - A never before heard Pearl Jam song called "Can You Hear the Monsters Mash?" begins to play. Meanwhile, a tire on Dagger's Harley Douglasfir blows out on a particularly sharp stick. The ghost hands of Stinky pick up Dagger and patch the tire, and Dagger peelies out back on the road toward Telandriel.