Episode 67

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Episode 67
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Cursed Gems and Pyromancers
Episode Link: Episode 67

This is the sixty seventh episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are cursed gems and pyromancers. This week, Josh discusses his love of the rock. Dom beat Ninja Gaiden on a stream, watched Wet Hot American Summer, and Princess Mononoke.

Josh's Story

Title: Gemward Bound

At a remote lake shaped like a flaccid penis, deep in the woods, fisherman Pat Tacklesmith prepares to drink and fish all day. While Pat mentally argues with his wife, whom he hates, there is a tug on his fishing line. He reels in his catch to find that it is a talking golden fish that offers Pat one wish. Pat, still arguing with his wife and ignoring the fish, accidentally wishes aloud that his wife were dead. The fish grants Pat's wish and comments on how fucked up the request is before returning to the water. While Pat is contemplating what just happened, thousands of pyromancers suddenly burst out of the woods and start having a huge beach party at the lake. The party includes a flying, fire magic powerd monster truck, a concert by the all pyromancer band Fire in the Second Hole, and multiple fire orgies. Eventually, some pyromancers bring out a giant stone effigy and the gathering begins a ritual, chanting and casting fire magic on the effigy. A fire golem the size of a mountain belly flops onto the superheated stone titan, crushing it, and releasing Lord Crystalline Gemerald - an ancient being of immense power. Lord Crystalline Gemerald jumps on the monstertruck and ascends into space, after which the party lasts for a few more hours before the remaining pyromancers disperse. Pat, having witnessed everything from a safe distance, decides it is safe enough to return to fishing and catches the magical golden fish again. The fish yells out that Pat had asked it to kill his wife, catching the attention of Lord Crystalline Gemerald. He returns from space, grabs the golden fish, singes off Pat's nipple hair, gives Pat the finger, and then flies back up into space on the monster truck.

Dom's Story

Title: Hot Orcspire Nights

On a summer night so hot that some guys go gay "cuz fuck it, let's hang out and J why can't we just do that?" Dale Windbeam, a fisherman down on his luck, is sitting at a bar drinking alone. After throwing his mug in frustration, Dale is kicked out onto the street. Dale walks to the city gates and heads into the woods, telling the guards he is out for "drunk business". Dale drips some Old Snickerdoodle's All-See Drops ("night sight for regular folk!") into his eyes before wandering out into the forest. As a thick fog rolls in, he hears laughing followed by whispers of "power...", "I'm so bad..." and "gold...", before the ghost of Sir Encrusted Gemini suddenly appears before him. It is revealed that Dale was the guard who allowed the dwarf smuggler into the castle to kill Sir Encrusted Gemini (see Episode 63). The ghost of Sir Encrusted tells Dale that he has one chance to avoid being haunted: retrieve the Topaz of Tupaca from a the tower of a pyromancer named Count Bindle and bring it to Sir Encrusted's bedroom. Dale reluctantly heads to the tower, accidentally fatally stabbing a guard with a spear as he sneaks into an open window. A second guard catches Dale, and considers betraying Count Bindle in a way similar to how Dale had betrayed Sir Encrusted. As Dale tries to warn the guard against doing as he had done, the ghost of Sir Encrusted stabs the guard with a ghost sword. Dale searches every room in the tower before finally coming to the top room, where Count Bindle is singing a song about putting the topaz of tupaca into his pee hole and calling his dad. He lights himself on fire, and as Dale enters the room he somehow accidentally kills Count Bindle with another spear. Dale then takes the topaz and escapes the tower as it burns to the ground, heading back to Telandriel.