Episode 38

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Episode 38
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Lizardmen and Alchemists
Episode Link: Episode 38

This is the thirty eighth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Lizardmen and Alchemists. This week Josh got caught up on Longmire and started Orange Is The New Black. Dom went to a board game cafe.

Josh's Story

Title: The Lizard Hole

In the old candleshop in Grawl on Horsecock Christmas Eve, Ugla, Sid, Fred, Buffcat, and Flyman are enjoying the holiday. After dinner, Flyman heads to his old alchemy lab and cries. Inside a chest, he finds a bong made out of the muffler of a 6969 General Lee Bone Charger, which sucks him into a portal and transports him to a dance club full of muscley lizardmen. The lizardmen recognize Flyman as Ozric, and pledge to reverse his curse. The lizardmen begin to party in his honor, and the act of kindness makes Flyman so happy that he smiles. Unfortunately, the smile is so horrifyingly disgusting that the lizardmen all vomit out their entire insides and commit suicide, and Flyman is suddenly teleported back to his lab. Ugla and Sid burst into the room, and call it a Horsescock Christmas miracle that Flyman is in his lab.

Dom's Story

Title: Rakess the Alchemist

Throm bursts into a wizard's tower in search of ale to quench his thirst after eating a roasted leg of sweatbeast. Throm fights his way through waves of lizardmen guards before he finally comes upon a door labeled "Rakess' lab". Behind the door, Throm finds a lizardman alchemist, who drinks a potion that transforms him into a skeleton monster and summons ghost lizardmen. Throm throws a rack of potions at the transformed Rakess, and the concoction destroys the alchemist's cloak. Rakess exclaims that an alchemist is nothing without his cloak, so he drinks another potion which causes batwings to grow on his back and he flies away. In frustration, Throm legdrops the tower which causes it to collapse.

Chamber of Knowledge

Q1: What do you have to say to all the haters out there?

A1: Reeses: Don't come into my tower with your weak ass pussy spells! Snickerdoodle: If you don't like it, then you can bite it - my ass!

Q2: What is the worst title a king can bestow upon a nobleman in your lands?

A2: Snickerdoodle: Town kissman - every time someone comes into town, you've got to kiss them. And if they want tongue, then you have to, and if you don't then the king will find out and karate chop you. Reeses: Waxer of the hairy fart-jester.

Q3: What are your wands/staves made of?

A3: Reeses: My wand is made of the tailbone of the last known ice phoenix, and my staff is made of the petrified libido of a dragon that once plagued these lands, also glitter and puffy paint. A dragon libido is just a dragon penis. Snickerdoodle: My staff is just a long cinnamon stick that I wrapped in mummy stuff, and my wand is a twizzler.

Q4: What's the best and worst thing about living in your realms?

A4: Snickerdoodle: Best thing - the ladies. Worst thing - the ladies. Reeses: The best thing - I am pretty much a celebrity who gets free turnip tacos anywhere I go, also topless women are everywhere. The worst thing - Daranosian boner fleas. You get rid of them by using a flea collar for your weiner - really just a cock ring with a weird smell.

Q5: What is your guilty pleasure?

A5: Reeses: sometimes at night I sneak into Snickerdoodle's room and draw pictures and write funny captions underneath. Snickerdoodle: Making my bed look like I'm sleeping in it, and watching Reeses draw me and write funny captions. Reeses: Another guilty pleasure is conjuring a duplicate of me to watch and draw Snickerdoodle while he is sleeping, and then I draw Snickerdoodle watching my duplicate and write funny captions.