Episode 36

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Episode 36
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Golems and Prophecies
Episode Link: Episode 36

This is the thirty sixth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Golems and Prophecies. This week Josh had death in his nose (he was sick). While sick in bed, he started watching Longmire. Dom found a kitten in his yard and shipped some Wizard Yale shirts.

Josh's Story

Title: Forget Me Snot

Deep in a snot cave lives a snot golem named Gregory and his snot puppy Clancy. The two are having a tea party when an evil wind blows and Fred, The Skullpeeler suddenly falls through the roof of the cave. Fred is searching for a prophecy and recruits Gregory to guide him through the snot cave. The pair come upon a cavern with a golden scroll hanging in a stalactite over a snot lake, when a snot kraken rises from the lake and attacks Fred. Gregory watches from hiding while Fred is badly beaten by the kraken. Gregory catches a Dirk that Fred throws towards him, and gathers the courage to leap into the kraken's gross beak mouth, which causes the kraken to start sneezing violently. Fred breaks loose of the kraken's grip and snags the prophecy with his harpoon crossbow, then a gust blows Gregory and Fred clear out of the cave. A booming voice comes from the cave, which was a snot giant the whole time, thanking them for removing the irritating scroll from his nose. As thanks, the giant revives Gregory and Fred reads him the prophecy: "hey hey, hey hey, smoke weed everyday". In a post credits scene, Fred takes Gregory to the steak brothel and the bouncers throw them out. In a second post credits scene, Gregory is asleep, snoring in his bed and mumbles about pancakes.

Dom's Story

Title: Tales of Golems and Prophecies

Cliff is a goblin who only cares about making awesome golems. One day, while doing some moon math, he discovers the secret to creating crystal golems. Inspired, Cliff heads off to the Crystal Cave on Murder Mountain to gather the materials to start crafting golems. At the entrance to the cave, Cliff meets a cyclops who is also named Cliff, and claims the crystals are his. The cyclops shotputs Cliff home, where a songbug sings a song about a prophecy foretelling a goblin who would create an army of golems to defeat an evil cyclops and create crystal golems. The song motivates Cliff to do exactly that, and he leads his army back to the Crystal Cave. The cyclops once again stands in Cliff's way, but this time his army of golems turns around and start booty clapping so hard that the Cyclop's dick fills with blood and shoots off his body like a rocket, killing him. Victorious, Cliff enters the Crystal Cave.

Chamber of Knowledge

This week Reeses accuses Snickerdoodle of stealing his third grade girlfriend.

Q1: Other than Stevesday and Moonsday, what are the other days of the week called?

A1: Febtembuary, All Chronics Eve, Dudesday, Museday, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

Q2: What do you two like most about eachother?

A2: S: His Super-Moonstendo, bonecar, pepsi, and his chronic. R: That his name rhymes with "shit-piss strudel".

Q3: Are you chest yams or back meat guys?

A3: R: fo-sho back meat, but if the moons hit the chest yams just right, they kinda look like a second set of waist hams. We're all a little bit of both. S: that is correct.

Q4: What is the difference between a wizard and a witch?

A4: S: it depends on your wand to cauldron ratio. For example, if you have five wands and one cauldron, you are a wizard. If you have six wands and six cauldrons... I guess you magic both ways? R: if you graduated 7th grade wizarding health class you should know the difference, but I'm not into labels and everyone can magic however they want.

Q5: What's the best weapon for causing harm that is not magical?

A5: Reeses: Words - sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can fucking kill you when I turn them into bombs and dragons and dragons with bombs around their necks and shit. S: a knife or some rope or a heavy rock.