Episode 34

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Episode 34
Special Guests: Tim Jennings
Writing Prompt: Magic Cloaks and Conjurers
Episode Link: Episode 34

This is the thirty fourth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Magic Cloaks and Conjurers. Tim Jennings is a co-worker of Dom at The Soup and does a sci-fi/fantasy improv show, The Lusty Horde. This week Josh watched a lot of X-Files and hung out with Paul in Philadelphia. Tim watched some of the old transformers cartoon. Dom played a lot of Hearthstone and tried to buy Blizzcon tickets for him and Josh.

Josh's Story

Title: Cash Money Records

In a Burlington Cloak Factory owned by Morty Goldbain, an all-see-mercial has just finished filming. In walks Ludacrits, who needs a dope cloak to walk off stage with after his rap concerto that night. Morty brings him to a magical fitting room, where Ludacrits tries on various magical cloaks as conjured bandit aspects attack him to test their magic. The result is that Ludacrits is beaten over and over. He finally tries on the hotbox cloak, which gets everyone high, and he proceeds to rap while savagely beating the bandits. Ludacrits buys the cloak and the surviving bandits form his posse.

Tim's Story

Title: Keepers of the Spirit Stones, A.K.A. Fuck Da Police

Far beyond Daranos and Orcspire lies the kingdom of Stonesrealm, once a peaceful land ruled by the benevolent Keepers of the Spirit Stones. They are all dead now, having been murdered by Moriband, a dark sorcerer with an evil army. Life in Stonesream used to be tolerable, but now it's a total cockfest, and not in a good way. One day, a cobbler in Stonesrealm named Rindle receives an order for a pair of his special kooch boots, which he invented. The note that the order came in on says the boots are to be delivered to the temple of the stones, which were supposedly abandoned ever since the demise of the keepers. He quickly finishes the boots and heads to the temple, which is spooky as fuck. In the heart of the crumbling temple, Rindle meets a hunched over old man, who claims to have ordered the boots and reveals himself to be Granlow the old, attendant to the keepers. He tells Rindle that the keepers will never truly be gone as long as someone has faith that they will return, and Rindle is that person. Granlow gives Rindle a chest containing Kieth's sword, Git Fucked, which merged with Kieth's spirit stone upon his death. Taking up the sword transforms Rindle into a mighty barbarian named Swordborn the Savage and also summons Kieth's trusty polar bear mount, Ice Bitch. Swordborn rides to Moriband's throneroom and demands the remaining spirit stones. When Moriband refuses, Ice Bitch brutally mauls him, slowly crushing Moriband's wind pipe over 45 minutes. Swordborn then collects the spirit stones from his corpse.

Dom's Story

Title: Portal Boyz

On a dark, cold, winter night in Orcspire, Frightnore (in werewolf form) runs through a forest to a small village named Magic Town. Frightnore transforms back into a regular wizard as he arrives at the home of Gandrixil the warlock. Inside, Gandy reveals that he sent his ogre assistant Old Gort through a portal and he's been missing for three months. The two enter the portal and find themselves next to a dead tree in a strange new land. Old Gort is a few feet away in a cage, guarded by a purple orc named Puke Fucker, a slavemaster in the Pain Mines. Puke Fucker threatens the two spell casters and tells them this land is called Daranos. Gandy transforms into a cyclops demon goliath, Gorx the backwooded. He karate chops Puke Fucker's seven dicks off, then uses Puke Fucker's whips to pop his head off so hard it doesn't come back down. Gorx transforms back to Gandrixil and Old Gort begs to be freed.

Canon Information

Kieth, the really solid dude, died like he lived: blazing on the back of his polar bear mount with his spirit stone in one hand and a big old hand of Git Fucked in the other.

Josh knows where all the good cockfests in your area are.