Episode 30

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Episode 30
Special Guests: Paul and Satchel
Writing Prompt: Amazons and Cults
Episode Link: Episode 30

This is the Thirtieth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Amazons and Cults. This week Josh rode a gryphon to the moon! Just kidding, he watched movies in his pajamas and listened to Tori Amos. Paul and Satchel saw Grand Budapest Hotel, and Satchel drew Ryan Jampole and Dan Jones fan art on stream. Dom bought Diablo 3.

Josh's Story

Title: Cult of the Booty

In a jungle in southern Daranos a tenuous peace has been forged between two factions at war: the amazons of Daranos and the cult of the moons, which is entirely male. The conditions of the treaty are that any men from the cult of the moons who passes the amazons' trials is allowed to get buck nasty with the finest babes of the amazons. Any male children resulting from these couplings are either thrown out or given to the cult. The story begins as Princess Holly Diana announces the arrival of the latest cultist to attempt the trials: a scrawny man wearing only a loincloth and a nametag that says "hello, my name is Carl". Carl immediately becomes infatuated with the princess, and she thinks he is cute as well. Before the trials begin, a warlock escorting Carl complains that the cult is running out of members to send because none of them pass the trials. The first trial that Carl must pass is a riddle: "A drowned man is in the desert, miles from any water, how?" Carl guesses correctly that the man is from the cult of the moons, because (according to the Queen) only a member of the cult of the moons could be dumb enough to drown in the desert. The second trial is the trial of the body: Carl must cross a rickety bridge with an amazon warrior guarding the midpoint, all over a pit of spiders. Carl reaches the amazon and is about to ask if he can get past her when she headbutts him, he retaliates by roundhouse kicking her in the boob, and the amazon then kicks him in the balls when he tries to apologize. The princess interrupts, declaring that by standing up to the warrior Carl has passed the second trial. The final trial is the trial of virility: like 100 naked amazons run into the room and start twerking at Carl, and after 6 seconds he J's in his loincloth and collapses. Just before he succumbs to the hot jiggling booty all around him, Carl begs the princess to help him, and the princess spinkicks her fellow amazons down. She proclaims that they can no longer be bound by old prejudices and idea, and that she and Carl will leave and form a new society where men and women are equal. Carl then transforms into a fire falcon and the two fly off.

Paul's Story

Title: Booty is in the Eye of the Beholder

It is dollar dog night at the amazonian deathball game and Greg "Steelgrill" McCracken is in attendance with his best friend Crumbs the mouse knight. The game is between the Crown Fried Chicken Cultists and the Sormscale Sallies, but both teams suck so bad that no one cares. Everyone is just there for cheap seats, cheap meats, and potentially seeing a nip slip. When the players come out onto the field they dive kick a blood golem's head off and start doing spins and flips in the resulting pools of blood. This drives the crowd into a blood rage, and just as things start to really get crazy a chasm opens up in the field, from which a giant beholder emerges. The beholder is actually a broholder, the crappiest kind of beholder, and it begins blasting the crowd with beams of magic from its eyes. The broholder's gaze meets Steelgrill, who challenges him to a hotdog eating contest. The contest goes on so long that the seasons change, until finally the broholder vomits out a tsunami of puke. Greg smiles at Crumbs, revealing that he ate so many hotdogs that they eroded away his steel teeth.

Dom's Story

Title: Demon Tears

On a cold autumn night, a cloaked amazon warrior ventures out of a forest into the normally friendly town of Mirogue. One of the ravens circling over the town holding a lantern suddenly swoops down at her, and she hits it with a throwing dagger, and it falls to the ground. A song tells us that the warriors name is Shiana and that her family was killed by demons before being reanimated into skeleton warriors by a skeleton necromancer. She re-killed her family and then the demons used the bones as weapons against her. Back in the town, Shiana calls out to no response, and after further investigation finds a mutilated corpse with a 17 inch dick drawn on it's face, which she knows must have been done by demons. She then finds a goblin looting Battle Keg tickets off a corpse so she pins his cloak to the ground with a crossbow bolt. The goblin throws "magic distraction dust" at Shiana, which is really just gold glitter, and in the confusion the goblin escapes. She follows him into the forest, into a cave, and down a staircase into a dungeon. At this point she realizes she has lost the goblins trail and doesn't know where she is, so she continues further into the dungeon. In the dungeon she sneaks past cultists worshiping demonic sculptures, and further in she finds two boxing skeletons with an ogre referee. Finally she comes to a large circular staircase, with a black wizard and his demon servants in the center. The wizard is super shitty to his servants, and asks for a "dick rub" with he insists is different from a hand job. Shiana throws a javelin into the wizard's pee hole, and then impales the demons with a hail of bolts as they stare dumbfounded at her admiring her beauty. Meanwhile the wizard limps up the stairs to her and she hurricane kicks his head off and into a portal down below. She announces the only way to close the portal is to kill everything on the other side, so she karate kicks through the portal after the wizard's head. Moments later she emerges covered in blood and the portal closes behind her.

Canon Information

The saying "men are from Daranos, women are from some place in Orcspire".