Episode 29

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Episode 29
Reinforcements!
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Dark Knights and Elementals
Episode Link: Episode 29

This is the twenty ninth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Dark Knights and Elementals. This week the first episode of Syndication Station was posted. Dom also watched a lot of the WWE networkt and he plugs Straight Shoot.

Josh's Story

Title: The Crow Flies at Death Knight

In a castle made of volcanic rock sits Eric von Deathkiller, Daranos' most vile dark knight. He is eating a hand sandwich, while the hand is still attached to his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, when a servant runs in with a letter addressed to Eric. It is an invitation to an end of the world party for the most evil beings of Daranos, and Eric leaves immediately. Travelling through the great forest he is suddenly overcome with hunger and after coming upon some minstrels rehearsing, demands food from them. The minstrels run and hide in a stump while Eric steals the contents of their picnic basket, but one of the minstrels bites into a potato chip, which alerts Deathkiller to their location. He rips the stump from the ground and commands them to give him the chips, and when they refuse he kills them by pulling a decapitated wizard head from his pack and shooting lasers from the eyes. Later, at the party, Eric is allowed entry by the shit elemental bouncer, and it is revealed that the party is Queen Axwound's doing. She calls Deathkiller forward and commands him to kneel, to which the knight responds that she must show him full frontal first. The two stare at eachother for a moment, then Eric performs several feats of strength and Axwound is indifferent, which causes Eric to swear his fealty to the queen. She then tells Eric his first task is to kill a dark wizard at the party whom she points out.

Dom's Story

Title: The Gauntlet

On a dark night in the middle of who the fuck knows where, in the Rust, a shady tavern. A knight sits in the darkest corner, already three ales deep, waiting for someone to come forward and offer him a job to his liking. An old wizard approaches looking for someone to help him find his pet cat, but the knight tells the wizard to get the fuck out. Another wizard dressed in black robes approaches, offering a job to kick some major ass, and the knight is intrigued. The fighter offers introduces himself as Randal and asks for details. The wizard explains that there is a fist fighting tournament, the championship prize of which is a gauntlet called the Gauntlet of Face Fuckery - punching someone while wearing the gauntlet causes their face to explode so hard that their dad and dad's brother will also feel it. Randal accepts the job for the price of 17 treasure chests full of gold and a bonecar with enough bone gas to get to Stormscale. After a training montage, Randal enters himself as Nailtooth into the pit of pugilists. His first opponent is Meatgrinder, a gray skinned orc with glowing red eyes, razor sharp teeth, and unholy rune tattoos. Meatgrinder freezes his handles into razor sharp ice meat tenderizers, but Randal counters by spitting fire ale onto him and crushing his skull with a single stomp. The crowd goes wild, but then several figures in dark robes draw their swords and slaughter them all and a echoing voice tells Sir Randal that he has forgotten his place...

Chamber of Knowledge

This week Snickerdoodle starts rating things on a scale of 0 - 100 wizard wands.

Q1: How many vacation days do you get when working in the Pain Mines?

A1: Reeses: The pain mines are like a vacation compared to moonsgiving at my mother in law's.

Q2: What do most people do for fun in your worlds?

A2: Snickerdoodle: If fun to you is hanging out with your friends, drinking some mead, and then like thirty skeletons come out and kill all your friends and you have to fight them all, then come on down to Orcspire! Reeses: Tossing the old turnip around with your son.

Q3: Which of your realms has the better black market?

A3: Reeses: in Daranos you can get walrus taint (an aphrodisiac), old 8-track-see-balls of the rock sensation Grawl, and all the Reeses' toe nails you can eat! Snickerdoodle: if you know the right guy who knows the right goblin who knows the right elf who knows the right troll who knows the right ogre, you can meet Death.

Q4: Who do you call when there is an emergency?

A4: Snickerdoodle: Reeses, for example when the wizard toilet is having difficulties. Reeses: PoD's motherfucker.

Q5: We know Orcspire is named after The Orcspire, why is Daranos called Daranos?

A5: Reeses: Daron came up with the name, the bassist of Reeses' band.

Canon Information

Momma flosses her teeth with a meat stick.