Episode 27

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Episode 27
Special Guests: Nick Murphy
Writing Prompt: Labyrinths and Hydras
Episode Link: Episode 27

This is the twenty seventh episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Labyrinths and Hydras. This week Nick got caught up on Game of Thrones and Fantasy Fiction. Josh started rewatching Battlestar Galactica, and the boys teased Syndication Station. Dom shipped a lot of shirts and buttons.

Josh's Story

Title: The Parable of Dingle and Billy the Dogman

On a cold winter day in Daranos at the Druid Academy of Shapeshifting and Turning Into Awesome Shit, when spring is taking it's sweet time, two students are being chewed out by Vice Dean Oxford, head disciplinarian. The two are Dingle Beesting, one of the few halflings able to shapeshift, and Billy the dogman, a regular human who spends most of his time in dog form because he's way into it. The vice dean sentences the students to filing his self-published poetry in the basement. On their way the pair come upon Jimmy Treebranch, who compliments the prom prank that got them in trouble. In the basement, a bookshelf opens revealing a secret passage after Dingle pulls a book off it. A flock of Batples fly out, and the boys decide to explore in search of the fabled academy labyrinth. Legend says that any badass who traverses the labyrinth will become wealthy as shit. The bookcase seals the opening behind them, and the two quickly become lost as shit. A giant, rolling boulder suddenly appears and Dingle and Billy run for their lives, escaping into a hallway leading to a large, golden door. They run down the hall, setting off many booby traps and dodging all - except for the hot fudge pit, which they just swim around in for a bit. Finally, they open the door and are shocked to find a raging kegger, and Dingle's father sitting on a throne of bras. In the corner is a booty hydra doing hundreds of shots, and Mr. Beesting tells them about a legendary sub-labyrinth and the three decide to go look for it together.

Nick's Story

Title: The Very Special Labyrinth of Growth and Pubescent Development

Grannik and Doug are two pre-pubescent kids watching porn on an all see ball, without having asked Doug's parents for permission. Doug doesn't know much about sex, and Grannik makes fun of him for saying he like PAWGs. Grannik leaves as Doug's dad, a super tough guy, comes up and asks what's wrong when he sees him crying. Doug explains his insecurities, and his dad sits down to have "the talk" with him. To help, Doug's dad gives him his three nameday gifts early: a seeing stone of his own, an enchanted book that will answer any question about sex you ask, and a letter of admission to Doug's dad's alma mater - the Universtitty of Pheonix - where Doug will join his dad's old frat, Phi Beta Hydra. Doug's mom calls the family down for dinner, but Doug tells his dad to tell her he's not hungry, he's got work to do. In a post credits scene, Doug (now super buff and surrounded by hot bitches) proclaims he knows all about sex and hocks a loogie on Grannik's gravestone.

Dom's Story

Title: Untitled

Lady Saberblood and Muscles Bear are on a quest to earn ranger spells. They come to a giant skull cave in the forest and light two torches, after which the skull taunts them about entering the labyrinth of pain, aka the doom halls, aka the pain labyrinth of doom halls. The two enter in search of a magic scroll or something which Saberblood needs to learn a spell from. Inside the labyrinth, they try a door and find a satyr making out with a footlong turkey hoagie. The satyr offers the adventurers a treasure chest in exchange for not telling anyone about their love affair, inside which are a pair of magic sunglasses that say "it's all good baby, baby!" when anyone puts them on. Muscles Bear puts on the glasses and the pair continue into the labyrinth. Soon they meet Dale Muscleflex, the friendliest barbarian, who freely offers the only magical item he has found because he doesn't care about magic. The item is a gross breathmint covered in loincloth lint, which Saberblood reluctantly pockets. Soon after, Muscles Bear and Saberblood meet a skeleton warrior named bones, who threatens the pair. Saberblood flips him off in all caps and freestyle disses him while Muscles Bear beat boxes. Bones suddenly notices Muscles Bear and starts petting him, after which he becomes friendly and gives Saberblood his shield and leaves to fly a kite. Much later, they find a hydra with three heads: a fiery red head, a friendly purple head that can't open his eyes because they shoot out lightning, and a sleepy blue head. The red head eats the breathmint, refreshing him and calming him. Saberblood then gives the purple head the sunglasses so he can open his eyes and find a magic scroll he has hidden somewhere, which turns out to be the scroll she is looking for, but unfortunately it only teaches her barkskin. The pair leaves while the satyr sings a love song to his sandwich.

Chamber of Knowledge

Reeses is feeling very old this week.

Q1: What are your favorite spells for busting a mother f'ers dome sons?

A1: Reeses: Brass knucks to the sour puss spell. Snickerdoodle: Punchya in the back of the head spell (first conjured in Trolladelphia).

Q2: Do Sid's other friends like Flyman, or is Sid just trying to make it a thing?

A2: Sid likes Flyman but deep down he probably feels sorry for him, but he also keeps him around because he is comic gold.

Q3: Is there some sort of ranking system for wizards? Where do Reeses and Snickerdoodle place?

A3: Reeses: 13000% on wizard rotten tomatoes, better than pretty woman and dances with wizard wolves. Snickerdoodle: He is aware of a system that goes from 1 being the worst to Snickerdoodle being the best.

Q4: What are the tastiest meats in Orcspire and Daranos?

A4: Snickerdoodle: double cheeseburger. Reeses: booty meats.

Q5: What are your favorite foods to eat while flying on that dub dub?

A5: Snickerdoodle: double cheeseburger. Reeses: booty meats.

Q6: What was the most unconventional currency ever used in D+O?

A6: Snickerdoodle: once tricked Reeses the Wize into giving him a demonic spellbook for two tickets to the gunshow, then he told Reeses the gunshow was cancelled because they didn't sell enough tickets, and when he asked for a refund he said "No habla moon messages". Reeses: in a twelve day barter standoff for some rare all see ball episodes of wizard cheers he used hugs. He won the standoff and made some friends, the best transaction of all.

Canon Information