Episode 26

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Episode 26
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Assassins and Riddles
Episode Link: Episode 26

This is the twenty sixth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Assassins and Riddles. This week Josh watched a bunch of Smithsonian documentaries on Netflix, and some Walking With Cavemen (because there's boobs in it). Dom worked on a bunch of stuff and was on an episode of the Soup.

Josh's Story

Title: Injustice 4 Grawl

There are no jobs in Grawl, and a half-elf/half-human named Panhand Dustwalker is destined to get the hell out of Grawl. Panhand is a pickpocket and runs an underground furbeetle shell-game in the alley behind his step dad, Jerry's, house. Panhand's mom died of elf cancer, and now he is forced to live in the wooden dumpster in the alley while Jerry uses all of his mom's money to throw parties. One day during a shell game, Jerry comes out and takes all of the gold, silver, and rave rubies Panhand has earned while simultaneously scaring off all of the suckers he has gathered. He reluctantly heads off to try and make some money to buy crumbs from the bakery that only sells crumbs, when he suddenly comes upon a man in black gear with two glowing swords. Panhand purposefully bumps into the man and pick pockets a coin that says "ASL" on one side, and the man tells him to take it to the monastery on Fatality Mountain to learn the ways of the Assassin's Secret League. When he reaches the monastery, there is a sign describing a riddle, which is a math problem involving a bone car and bone train travelling in opposite directions and asking when the two will meet at Reeses' and Snickerdoodle's tower. Panhand replies "fuck this!", which is correct, and inside he sees the dark man again. The first test of the league is the test of the flesh, in which Panhand must sit and meditate until his legs fall asleep. The floor suddenly gives way, revealing a pool of water with at least 69 deadly, firebreathing sharptooths, with only a series of slender timbers protruding from the water to provide an escape. Panhand breakdances on his head and hands across the timbers to safety. Second is the trial of the mind: what word can be read the same forwards, backwards, and upside down in a mirror, the answer to which is "boob". The final trial is to kill in the name of justice, which Panhand eagerly accepts. He heads home, where Jerry threatens to kill him just like he did Panhand's mom (by giving her elf cancer), and Panhand kills him and draws a veiny, jizzing dick on Jerry. Then he leaves, never to be seen again?

Dom's Story

Title: Riddle of Initiation

On a cold winter evening in the Forruk Forest when the moon is bright, a figure in black runs through the forest. While running, he throws fastballs at targets, gnollskin footballs at lightning hawks, hits a pinecone homerun, and uses flying poison tipped arrows as steps up to a zipline. He hears someone cry for help and finds an orc dressed similarly in black with an arrow in his knee, saying that he was wounded by the trials. The man, the famous assassin Tra'kas, pulls the arrow out and throws it into the orc's neck and kicks dirt into his face as he leaves. He then sees a troll wearing just an apron holding a hotdog eating contest, the only competitor of which is a tiny moon ant who already had dinner and doesn't even like hotdogs. Tra'kas atomic leg drops the table, sending hotdogs into the air and catching them in his mouth. This feat inspires the troll to later invent the "assassinator" dog. Continuing with Tra'kas, he comes upon Stinkline the goblin in a bad wig trying to seduce the assassin, but he knocks the wig off with a throwing dagger and continues on. He comes to a clearing with a cloaked, two-headed figure representing the guild of the black mark, who declares that there is one final trial that Tra'kas must overcome: the trial of the mind. The ogre disappears in smoke, revealing an imp known as the riddlemaster. The riddlemaster asks easy riddles which Tra'kas answers, and after each riddle the imp claims that Tra'kas will have to answer one more riddle. Tra'kas calls down a lightning hawk and hurls the imp to it, like two miles away. The ogre then tells Tra'kas that he has passed and may join the guild.

Chamber of Knowledge

This week, Old Snickerdoodle has been putting up posters of drawings of himself with "warning: famous man around".

Q1: What is the process for asking someone's hand in marriage?

A1: In Daranos, you take her to the best steak brothel in town and if she gets wet you tell her dad you're boning her 5ever. In orcspire you ask her father and he'll either say no cuz you smell bad, twist your nipple and you can't cry, or put all of the condiments in one bowl and you have to eat it without gagging.

Q2: What are your favorite dancing spells?

A2: Snickerdoodle: the running troll, electric wizard slide, and breakdancing naked spell. Reeses: white person at a party dancing spell, rolling with my orc homies by Coolio spell, and the cat daddy.

Q3: What is your favorite hot baverage on a cold and snowy day?

A3: Both: hot coco. Snickerdoodle puts 1 big marshmallow in, Reeses only puts in the tiny ones.

Q4: What do you do if your best friend is being a punk ass bitch?

A4: Snickerdoodle: Wizard flying magic slam dunk on his ass in front of all the ladies. Reeses: whatever you do, don't tell on him cuz snitches get axes to the face. Try to talk it out with him in a reasonable and adult manner, and if you can't come to an agreement then pants him.

Q5: What is a standard first date in your lands?

A5: Reeses: take her to the best steak brothel in town... Snickerdoodle: 7th base in my chamber, broadsword are playing, and chocolate stuff.

Q6: What is the traditional gift to show affection in your lands?

A6: Snickerdoodle: the head or tooth or ears of your enemies, or chocolate lunar wolves with marshmallow fluff inside. Reeses: toenail rings.

Canon Information