Episode 25

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Episode 25
Special Guests: None
Writing Prompt: Succubi and Banshees
Episode Link: Episode 25

This is the twenty fifth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Succubi and Banshees. This week Josh watched Willow and The Last Starfighter, which is not good but he loves it. Dom watched Wrestlemania XV and discovered the band American Sharks.

Josh's Story

Title: Banshee Affliction

At an all succubus cabaret/strip club called Banshee's, the most raucous celebration for thousands of years is going on: Sid the rogue's bachelor party! Sid, Buffcat, Flyman, and Fred, the skullpeeler toasts Sid's wedding while a two-headed goblin announces several strippers, and Sid clarifies that the marriage is more of a lifetime commitment to bone on the reg. Suddenly, the lights become red strobe lights and a stuffed succubus full of wizard weed falls from the ceiling onto Buffcat, incapacitating him. One of the succubus strippers hits Fred over the head with a champagne bottle, knocking him out, and Flyman is useless as usual. The head succubus, Duchess Sparkles (a.k.a. Megan, Sid's ex whom he dated for 6 hours) reveals that she plans to hold Sid captive for ever. Sid responds by declaring his love for Ugla, who suddenly appears, and together the couple take on the succubi. Sid parkours all over the room because he can't hit a woman, and Ugla casts a spell to make Duchess rapidly age, then twerk so hard she explodes. Sid and Ugla decide to do the ceremony right then and there, and Flyman officiates.

Dom's Story

Title: The Trials of Flesh

The tale opens on Tootalin, Renkin, and Scrawn, three young gnomes, heading into the Forruk Forest. This is one of many attempts by the gnomes to stop being lame through a coming of age adventure - this time they are trying to get laid because they think their dicks will fall off if they stay virgins for too long. They head into a giant demon skull in the forest, which serves as the entrance to a dungeon. They make it to a throne room with an armored demon sitting on the throne and three sword mounted for display on the wall. The swords are labeled "lightning sword", "flame sword", and "so evil even I don't know what it's called sword". The demon, Arudan, confronts the gnomes and realizes they are looking for the succubus because they all have raging bones. Arudan announces that the succubus is his wife, but they have an open relationship and he will let them have sex with her if they complete the trials of manhood. First is the trial of grip: the gnomes must hug each other. Next is the trial of seduction: they must whisper love song lyrics into eachother's ears. Finally, for the trial of sensitivity the gnomes must find out each other's favorite spots on their necks to be kissed. Arudan removes his helmet, revealing he is the succubus (and a cyclops). Arudan kicks Tootalin in the family rave rubies, backhands Scrawn all the way out of the dungeon, and calls in a black, fiery, demon unicorn to shoot the Tootalin with lightning. Arudan disappears and Renkin and Tootalin follow Scrawn's stinkline out of the dungeon.

Chamber of Knowledge

This week, Old Snickerdoodle has to hurry because he has a date.

Q1: Worst thing in history to happen to you?

A1: Snickerdoodle: A guard tried to enforce a sleeveless robe ban. Reeses: When Snickerdoodle lost (i.e. threw out) Reeses' magical toenail ring.

Q2: What are the greatest exports of your lands?

A2: Daranos: Poetry, that tired feeling after you J. Orcspire: Throwing daggers with tassels.

Q3: What wizard swag should one procure to pimp out one's own chamber of knowledge?

A3: Snickerdoodle: One of those longy rasta yellow guys with dreads - try to get one with wizard weed leaves on it. Reeses: magical bones, vials, and books.

Q4: What books are considered classics in Daranos and Orcspire?

A4: Daranos: Zulban's Guide to Monsters and Great Steak Houses and Brothels, Boneo and Juliet's Nasty Ass Booty, and Superfudge. Orcspire: Murder: the Book on Murdering, and The Very Spooky Skeleton.

Q5: What is the most romantic date two lovers could have?

A5: Snickerdoodle: pizza blanket. Reeses: grinding your ancestors bones into your favorite sword or teddy bear (at a Bone-a-Bear Workshop, for example).

Canon Information

Red, White, and Blue are the colors that don't run.