Episode 24

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Episode 24
Special Guests: Zane Bauer
Writing Prompt: Trolls and Mounts
Episode Link: Episode 24

This is the twenty fourth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompts are Trolls and Mounts. This week Josh saw the second Hobbit movie, Zane pet and kissed some ponies, and Dom watched the movie The Fall and started playing The Last Of Us.

Josh's Story

Title: Pussy Cave Massacre

A gaggle of ground trolls are hatching yet another crazy scheme. Their leader, Blurg, is looking for ideas to terrorize the surface dwelling races. Eventually, they decide to form a bonecar gang - but first they must build some bonecars. The trolls undertake an arduous 15 minute journey to a cave pussy that houses dragon bones. As they prepare to gather the bones, Axel the dragon bursts through the cave ceiling, declaring that the bones that the trolls seek are the remains of his wife. Hearing this, the trolls stop what they are doing and express their sympathy over Axel's loss. Now Canterbury Hawkstrider flies through the cave ceiling on his flying dog, Dog Wings, to rehearse with Axel as the new band, Wifebones. While Canterbury and Axel begin to jam, the trolls can't help but mosh so hard that some of them accidentally fall into the beams of sunlight coming through the twin holes in the cave ceiling, turning the trolls to stone. Eventually only two trolls are left alive: Blurg and Nasty Joe. Axel and Canterbury let them leave so they can tell everyone about the epic concert they just witnessed.

Zane's Story

Title: The Tablet of Murder Mountain

Ursula is an average human woman in Orcspire, but she longs to be as badass and unfuckwitable as Throm. She works on a farm by day, and trains with her father's sword by night. One evening she heads to a local tavern, where she meets a talking pony named Clip-Clop, who also desires a more exciting life. The barkeep, overhearing this, tells them of a magical tablet rumored to be at the top of the nearby Murder Mountain. Legend has it that whoever reads from the tablet will be imbued with magical power and prowess, and the pair decide to adventure together for the tablet. Three days later, Clip-Clop and Ursula begin up the trail at the base of Murder Mountain. As they near the top, they come upon a sign warning them of a troll cave ahead and the light changes to a sickly green. Seeing no other way, the two continue into the cave and quickly come upon two trolls arguing over some ice cream that one of the trolls had thrown out. A crowd gathers to witness the argument, and one troll suddenly notices our two adventurers. The trolls attack and a battle ensues, with Ursula cutting trolls down with her sword and Clip Clop kicking. Eventually they can continue and reach the tablet. As they read from the tablet, lightning strikes and knocks both adventurers down. When they come two, Ursula finds that she is taller, buffer, and has rad boobs and awesome tattoos, while Clip Clop is now a mighty draft horse neighcromancer.

Dom's Story

Title: Bonetower

On a crisp autumn night in a dark wizard tower, a troll battlemage named Zoldunith disrobes from his bloody clothes. When he reaches his chambers, he finds a nude female elf wizard in his bed, Felicius, with whom he clearly has a past. The two spellcasters make out for like an hour, then levitate while they have sex. Meanwhile, raiders in black burst into the ground floor and begin ransacking the tower. The two lovers continue, eventually floating out the window, where one of the raiders sees them with a pair of bidonkulars. The whole group runs outside to peep on the couple, and a mirkmonk watches as well. The sex is so hot that the mirkmonk explodes like a hotdog in the microwave, which catches Zoldunith's eye. Without stopping, Zoludnith starts firing bolts of magic down on the voyeurs, but one raider holds Zoldunith's enchanted staff and stands his ground. The raider summons a fuckubus, whom he starts fucking and floats up to meet the wizards in sex-combat. Each couple conjures a magical floating weapon and begin trading blows. Eventually, the raider misses with an attempted killing blow and pays for his mistake with his life, after which Zoldunith J's acid J on the raiders below, killing them all. He then turns to look at Felicius, but she has disappeared.

Chamber of Knowledge

This week, Old Snickerdoodle interrupts Reeses, The Wize's late night talkshow.

Q1: What is the minimum wage of the Pain Mines?

A1: Bottom of the feet flaying without benefits, or scooping out your eyeballs by Golgar teh pain warden and you watch him add them to his stew.

Q2: How did Reeses' toe nail get made into that ogre's ring?

A2: He leaves them all over, one year he even gave them as birthday presents (Snickerdoodle threw his out).

Q3: How would one get Chamber of Knowledge on one's magic ball?

A3: What are you talking about?!

Q4: How do Reeses and Snickerdoodle handle running into an ex?

A4: Snickerdoodle suggests having a friend do the tombstone move on you so you forget you ever dated her, or paint your face with makeup. Reeses suggests casting an avoidance spell and hoping for a crit.

Q5: Is the Chamber of Knowledge between all reams and reality?

A5: It is a tall wizard tower that moves in an ocean, like the island from Lost... But real and not stupid.

Q6: If you were reincarnated, what would you want to be?

A6: Snickerdoodle: a merman. Reeses: yo mama's pussy while He's fucking it - WAIT! An elephant snake - NO! A beautiful poem.

Canon Information

Dragons don't respect graves.