Episode 14

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Episode 14
Special Guests: Paul
Writing Prompt: Druids and Familiars
Episode Link: Episode 14

This is the fourteenth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompt is Druids and Familiars. Josh and Dom begin by introducing Paul Ritchey, their friend and middle seat on Continue. This is Paul's first appearance on the podcast, but his second story; his first story was on the ContinueCast/Fantasy Fiction crossover, see Episode 7.5: ContinueCast. Paul just walked into the lion's den. This week Paul watched Extras and played Hearthstone. Dom played Dungeon Siege 3. Josh worked with Paul on their Continue stuff and he also watched Flight. Once, Josh saw a dead cat in the Hudson.

Josh's Story

Title: The Druid Academy of Shapeshifting and Turning Into Awesome Shit

The Druid Academy of Shapeshifting and Turning Into Awesome Shit is a school where young druid go to hone their powers. There are locations on the campus to practice transofmations, such as the stables. The sables held sabercats, sabereagles, sabermice, murkmonks, batples, green batbles, furbeetles, and Moses. This was at the academy was special day because it was Druid Prom!!! Our hero, Jimmy Treebranch, was being sad with his lifecoach/Japanese Oni familiar, Mr. Yakatori. Jimmy liked his classmate, Becky Flameheart, a centaur who is barely legal. Yakatori wants Jimmy to ask her out, but he refuses. Jimmy is then pushed to the ground by the hot, popular bully, Falcon Doomsword and his posse. He harasses Jimmy and makes fun of his dead dad. Falcon walks away, but dougies on back over when he hear Jimmy say how attractive he is. Now enraged, Falcon challenges Jimmy to a druid off: WINNER TAKES ALL! As Falcon was walking away he murdered a random student who was walking by. The commotion died down and Jimmy went to class. He was worried because he thought he was the worst druid at the school. He came up with a great plan: runaway! As he was running home, he had a conversation with Becky which gave him some different perspective on the events happening. Jimmy then heard the voices of his peers from outside; they were chanting his name, rooting for him at the druid off. The student that was killed earlier rose from the ground to cheer on Jimmy. Falcon and Jimmy went face to face and they began. Falcon first turned into a saberbear and crushed a tree. To counter, Jimmy turned into a saberkitten; the crowd booed. Falcon turned into a larger sabercat and the crowd ate it up. Mr Yakatori suggests Jimmy try to turn into a moon beast; with all his might, he turned into a pine tree. Falcon's response is to turn into on of the hardest things you can turn into, a galaxy king (real talk, I do not know what Josh said here, as it was muffled by Paul's laughter, so I'm going to pretend I got it right, but if someone wants to correct me, I won't mind). Falcon summoned a hurricane which blew away all the female's panties away. The crowd got so rambunctious, they flipped the dean's VW (very wide) beetle. The crowd is completely in Falcon's corner. Jimmy is dejected, but with nod from Mr. Yakatori, he turned in to the impressive hot dog with brown mustard and onions. Jimmy finally won the crowd's favor. Falcon was pissed. He used his remaining spiritual energy to turn into a sausage pizza. The crowd were practically rioting; they were hyped! Suddenly, a falcon swoops down from the sky grabbing the pizza, taking a bite, decides it doesn't like pizza, and drops the pizza to the ground, killing Falcon. The crowd went full-tilt riot posse. Falcon's friends went to look for Falcon's body. Becky came over and complimented Jimmy on his druid skills. Cowabunga dude! Remember: don't be mean, otherwise a deus ex machina bird will come down and get you good.

Paul's Story

Title: Last Ditch Familiar

In the city of Stormscale, Perry Whitesnake was chilling being a cool druid barbarian. He has a cool catchphrase, that wasn't t all douchey: double the class, double the ass. He is also He is 1/2 luchador, 1/2 body builder, 1/2 defier of math logic. That day, the druid joined a group of other druids and slaughtered a group of unsuspecting orcs; musical gryffin familiars played as this happened. Even though the group just joined, the druid group had some great teamwork. It was an eclectic group of druids: there was Lyanna, The Liquid Death, can turn into a liquid form. Brock Mithrilcock, who can turn into a giant rooster with a rocking wang, as seen in the hit movie, Debbie Does Daranos. Jeramon, The Insufferable Git, who was hated by all. Harry Knucklefuck was famous for his secret sex move, The Knuckle Fuck. After the fight, Harry antagonizes Perry. Then, for some reason, Harry super murdered Jeramon, then Harry sat back down like nothing happened. A silence fell over the group while the bartender tried to sweep up Jeramon's remains. Perry wasn't scared for he was a master at transformation; He could transform in a super raptor, swift stag, treeman, twice-as-tall treeman, nondenominational sea spirit, bear with flaming mace arms, crazy scientist guy, and dropkick champion. Perry challenged Harry, along with Lyanna and Brock for some reason, to a druid melee duel. They all agree, but Harry makes a condition: no transformations, familiars only. Perry was scared for all of his familiars were inadvisable. The group and the townspeople gathered to the town's square in preparation on the battle. Harry saw Flyman and made him officiate the fight. Suck an egg Flyman. Let the druids play, someone's gunna get slayed: and the fight began. The crowd was going bananas; one random guy got stabbed for no reason. Meanwhile, Axel, the dragon could be heard playing the drums, practicing for his Battle Keg audition. Lyanna summoned her war dog familiar. Brock summoned a time-mare. Harry summoned an Asian-racist dragon; someone heckled Harry and the dragon ate the heckler (including the dude's soul). Lyanna and Brock both aimed their attack towards Harry and his dragon.Harry sidestepped lyanna and electrocuted her. Perry, knowing not what to do, summoned his last ditch familiar by question a continuity error in the show 'Family Matters'. What appeared was a small chipmunk with a red bandanna and cutie gauntlets: his name is Frip. Frip is super annoying. Again, meanwhile, Harry tore the head off of Lyanna's dog and kicked it at Brock. The head went through Brock's chest and went off into Wizard Space. The sky dragon flew to Lyanna and went Bonnie & Clyde on her with fire bullets. With those two out of the way, Harry made his way toward Perry. Perry thought he was about to die, but suddenly, Frip did a bunch of bicycle kicks to Harry's face while singing a song he wrote that's huge in his home dimension: baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, my baby baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, you're my baby baby. No one liked the song. Perry summoned a wresting ring as to try to end the fight. Harry's dragon knock Perry off of the top turnbuckle and sends him flying. Frip flips Perry around, lasso style, and he sends him, feet first, into Harry's head, crushing his brain. This foot-to-head move is illegal in karate, jiu jitsu and Daranosian Sex Wrestling. As Harry died, he was forced to remember every terrible thing that happened to him. Frip's cousin is on the dole (new media, psssh). Frip goes home. 'Second Hand News' by Fleetwood Mac inexplicably starts playing as credits roll.

Dom's Story

Title: Order of the Bark

In The Forest of Enchanting Fantasticisms in Orcspire, a goblin by the name of Flint Mudmunder and his dire wolf, Ace, were walking about. Flint forgot what he was doing, so he cast wisdom on himself; he then remembered he was looking for purple plants (the Prince Plant) to make a Talk To Bear-Ghosts Potion. Rather than follow the common path of a goblin and become a shaman, he chose to become a druid because transforming into stuff is too cool. They found the plant, so Flint turned into an owl (just because) and started gathering the plant. Flint was a Druid of the Bark, a group that protects the forests of Orcspire. Ace suddenly hears trouble, so Flint turns into elk for the improved hearing and turning into an animal. The two hear trouble so they try to inform the Knight Owls. Flint summons a tree brother named Stumplin and sends him to alert the Knight Owls. Stumplin rules. Flint turns into a centaur and charges towards the sound. They kept a safe amount of distance away when they reached the scene. What they came upon was terrible: a collaboration of snakebeasts and bandits beating up trees. The beasts and bandits are bro as hell; they're made for each other. The group of d-bags were throwing the tree pieces into a bonfire while listening to Jock Jams Volume 1. Flint tried to stop the bad guys, only to be beat up and mugged. The group tell the druid they are getting pumped for Lord Radik's (Radakast, The Wild Wizard) annual feast. Before the beasts can do more damage, Ace fuck the scene up. Flint roots the remaining enemies, heals his face, then grows as to eat the bandits. Stumplin, Sir Kingsley Regalius and the owl knights show up as reinforcements. All the enemies were defeated and Flint summoned rain to put out the fire. The forest was safe for another day. Meanwhile, in a hollowed black mountain, a wizard watched the defense cleanse the forest on his All-See Ball, smoking his evil wizard weed.

Canon Information

Flyman has a striped referee shirt on him, just in case he needs to officiate a fight. Wizard Space exists. Kicking someone's nose into their brain is illegal in Daranosian Sex Wrestling