|Episode Link:||Episode 10|
This is the tenth episode of Fantasy Fiction and the prompt is Liches. Happy Halloween! What do they love about Halloween? Free Candy, spooky outfits, crisp autumn weather, and The Garfield Halloween Special. Dom likes Marc Summers, Josh hates that Marc Summers. TV Halloween week is nice. French fries smell nice.
Title: The Curse of Crazenor, The Lich.
We being in the murky woods of Daranos, where an unfamiliar noise was breaking the silence. A Murkmonk went outside to assess the ruckus, but quickly went inside to, presumably, bone his murkmonk wife. We then pan to the source of the noise, a distraught dwarf named Biggles Von Axwound. He is mad that he can't be a miner, plus, he's sexually frustrated. He chopped down a tree which groaned until it died. This event caused a fog of fart-smoke to engulf the area. When the smoke dissipated, there stood Crazenor, The Lich. Craznor is half skeleton, half sex machine. His body is full of worms, tree branches, and a boot. One day, we'll learn the origin of the boot. Crazenor begins to yell at Biggles, who tried to make an excuse for himself. Biggles wants to be manlier. We learn Crazenor is the Lich who presides over this forest. Even though Biggles was cutting down some old friends, Crazenor decides to grant Biggles three wishes. With these wishes, Crazenor promises to be super manly. The first wish is for the manliest beard that ever existed. The beard Biggles was given was a full beard... of penises; Biggles was very happy. His second wish was for the sexiest wife in all the land. Crazenor summons a sexy, mummy bride for Biggles. She was once the most beautiful of Daranos... like, a 1000 stupid years ago. Biggles is still very content with the outcome of his wishes. The mummy begins to strip all of the miles of wrappings. The final wish is to be the most powerful dwarf of all time. Crazenor laughs then sings a Disneyesque song: "If you want to become king, you must make me sing. This is your final wish, make it your careful...est." After a moment, nothing seemed to have happen, but Biggles saw no difference. Crazenor proclaimed that Biggles was the new Lich. A cloak engulfed the dwarf, freeing Crazenor and entrapping Biggles to a life of lichdom. Crazenor rode off into the sunset on a motorcycle. The mummy was done stripping; Biggles was disgusted, so she began to reverse-strip.
Title: The Ruins of Brindlemoore.
A blizzard was sweeping across the Wizard Mountain mountain range. Is wasn't just cold, it was backwards hell on Orcspire. One massive man was trudging through the snow; this man was Throm. The barbarian curses at the gods and demands a house, threatening to rip their beards off and burn the beards. Ruin appeared through the blizzard, then closer after a second threat. Throm approaches the main gate and is greeted by an elvish man. The elf warns Throm and urges him to turn back, because this was the residence of Brindlemoore Bonesman, The Lich. Throm chops the elf in half and continues. Throm pays for nothing, except meat pies. Throm continued to the blood-soaked courtyard. Suddenly, zombie hands raise from the ground and attack the barbarian. Throm does a special move, which is spinning in a cyclone of death, which re-kills all the zombies. Throm, now coated in black zombie blood, hears the voice of the Lich. Brindlemoore is a skeleton with with some grey flesh; He wore a crown, had horns, and wielded a weapon Throm had never seen before: The Ax-Staff! Throm want/needs the staff. He demands the Lich to hand it over. When the Lich declines, a brawl begins. Brindlemoore traps Throm and puts him against his skeleton in a The Circle of Shivs Tournament. Throm declines the shiv tournament, because he don't talk to no bones, and goes buck wild. Some cursed bone dust gave the other skeletons arthritis; some skeleton cried. A warrior having dinner with his family (The Dinner Warrior), senses the badassery taking place; he can't help himself and stops dinner with his family to mention the crazy situation that may be going on miles away. Back at the courtyard, Throm drop kicks his way to the lich and acquires The Ax-Staff. The Lich does a massive summons of cursed paladins and clerics, banshees and ghosts for a final attack. Throm does his Ultra Special Secret Move; his eyes go black and he glows red. Throm begins to slays the masses. 'High of Fire' starts playing, loud! The Lich summons a ice scythe and engages Throm in combat. The Liches dun goofs when he tears some of Throm's fur armor. Throm, enraged, does on final move. The Lich at first doesn't see the effects of the finisher, but too late when the Lich saw what it was: A GODDAMN METEOR is summoned from above and devastates the ruins. The Lich exploded and all of his cursed minions perished. Throm takes crushes the crown of the Lich, and goes on his way with his new ax-staff.
Chamber of Knowledge
Q1: Have you ever been involved in radical wizard battles?
A1: Every goddamn day! Snickerdoodle: I always win. Reeses: It's like a radical-wizard-battle-cum-fiesta out there.
Q2: What is the dankest puss you've ever dipped your wizard sticks in?
A2: R: [At Wizard Yale] A troll mummy. Also, a dirty puddle of troll blood.
Q3: How do you get into Wizard Yale?
A3: Perform cool spells. Stand nude in front of a council while sometimes being tempted to fuck a blood puddles.
Q4: What is the full oath taken of wizards whom share knowledge?
A4: S: I, do solemnly swear, to spread all knowledge of Orcspire and Daranos, and never love ever again. Also, I will be faithful to The Wizard Staff, a staff with a bunch of rules on it. Rule #1: No candy after dinner. R: #2: Eat all of your wizard vegetables. S: #3: If you're going to bed, don't leave a candle on. R: #4: Don't fuck any blood puddles. S: #689: If you get a cat, clean the litter box: no poops. #6 No kissing girls. R: #7: If you have a girl over, keep your bedroom door open; it makes them feel much more comfortable. S: Sidebar: we have a friend named The Holy Ghost. R: #721: If you take the wizard car out, refill it with magical fluid before you return. S: #88: No kissing your pets.
Q5: /french accent/ Do dark wizards bone?
A5: All damn day. Also, there are two suns.
Q6: How much do you guys bench?
A6: R: 9 Horses. S: 3/4 of two rolls of cheese. The wizard doctors don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not awake most of the day.
Q7: What is a controversial topics in your realms?
A7: R: The use of magical, medicinal mushrooms is a hot button issue. S: The practice of shooting hoops. What you call 'basketball,' we call Demon's Basket. They should change the name. The best player is even named Old Badman. His rookie card is worth three golds. R: Oh my golden rings.
Q8: How much does Wizard Weed cost?
A8: R: Nice try, officer.